It’s been a while since I updated here. There’s been a few things going on:
I will expand on these over the coming days when I’m less hungover.
Today marks my 6th month on testosterone. It’s been wonderful and life changing even in such a short time. Compared to a lot of people I’ve started pretty late in life due to a number of factors (I know it’s only too late if you’re dead but when everyone else seems to be 23 and has been on HRT for 3 years I can’t help but feel I’ve started late) Due to this late start I’m currently in that severe baby face period where I look 16-18 years old when I’m almost 30.
That’s got me thinking about the boyhood I never got to have. I don’t mean stereotypical stuff like playing in the dirt and wrestling and that sort of thing— I did all that stuff as a kid regardless. What I mean is I didn’t get to move through the world in that period of time when you’re changing from a young boy into a grown man. You have this time to learn about yourself both physically and mentally, you figure out who you are and what you like and potentially who you will be in the future. You also do this surrounded by others that are going through the same thing.
I understand that this is a romanticised idea of growing up, going to school in the 2000s would still be going to school in the 2000s regardless of my gender, but I do think it would have been more bearable if I was comfortable in myself and my body (as comfortable as you can be during puberty anyway) I know for a fact my early 20s would have been much easier, not being constantly terrified of being outed as a “fake girl” would definitely have alleviated at least a little of my depression.
I’m trying not to dwell on all that too much though. During these last 6 months I’ve never felt better. I no longer feel trapped inside my own brain and so much less trapped inside my own body. I used to try and avoid mirrors but now I actually think I look good- hot even? I think once I’ve had top surgery I’ll look damn good, sex is even better, I actually want to do new things now, I’m just so much less scared of being perceived.
there’s a reason people say don’t die wondering.
Last night I went to a screening of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me at my local indie cinema. They’d decorated the lobby with a little David Lynch display and were playing the Twin Peaks soundtrack over the PA so it was a really cool vibe.
Seeing this film in the cinema was very intense (it’s an intense film anyway, but the scale of a cinema made it even more so) When I’m watching on a screen that big I can’t look away and curl in on myself during the scene with the Plamer family at the dinner table like I usually do. I’m forced to watch that horrible scene, and indeed the horrible events in the rest of the film in their entirety. It was a really good experience, sometimes being uncomfortable and having to sit with that feeling is the point and I need to remind myself of that more often.
I have a funny relationship with Twin Peaks generally – it’s very nostalgic to me because it was something I watched with my parents on multiple VHS tapes when I was a kid (is Twin Peaks suitable for a 10 year old? Idk I was raised in a very “seek out all the art you can!” environment) but I didn’t exactly enjoy that experience. Most adults are confused by the work of David Lynch so 10 year old me didn’t really stand much of a chance, I remember thinking it was interesting overall but also feeling glad when season 1 was over. We moved on to the second season and by about episode 5 I was convinced that this was some sort of punishment, but my parents persevered. I was happy to find out there was no season 3.
Season 3 of Twin Peaks (Twin Peaks: The Return) came out in 2017. By this time I’ve moved out of my parents house but I find myself getting a hold of the episodes as they’re released and putting them on a USB stick for my parents since they didn’t have the channel it was on. My partner and I tap out after 3 episodes because we’re getting physical headaches from how Lynchian it is (I have no issue with Lynchian – I fucking love Eraserhead. This was just too much). My dad keeps saying things like “I know its crazy but you have to keep going!” I keep explaining that I can’t because somehow a television program is causing me physical pain. A few weeks later, a day after I’ve done the weekly Twin Peaks USB stick drop, I get a phonecall from my mum: “You have to watch this weeks, Cem, Nine Inch Nails are in it”. I ask if she means in the soundtrack and she replies “No, he’s performing in The Roadhouse, your man, the miserable bugger”.
BOB orbs are flying around after one of the Cooper doppelgangers is shot and there’s some kind of alien crawling out an egg on a nuclear bomb site, the headache is here but its okay because my man the miserable bugger and the rest of NIN – sorry, The Nine Inch Nails, are indeed singing Shes Gone Away in The Roadhouse. Why are they doing this? I have no idea. Maybe I will find out when I finally watch all of season 3 to the bitter end on my current Twin Peaks rewatch (currently up to S2E15)
I am going into the city to see a marching band (in 2026) I managed to get front standing tickets for the Friday gig and we’re doing the whole coach thing so we don’t have to pay for a hotel. This will be my 6th time seeing MCR, having seen them twice on the World Contamination Tour in 2010 and 3 times on the Reunion/Swarm Tour. I was 15 on the World Contamination Tour and will be 30 for Long Live The Black Parade. Seeing NIN in 2025 and MCR in 2026 (and maybe AKB in 2025 – if I get lucky) is genuinely the kind of thing I used to dream of growing up and its finally happening. Its finally happening and I get to do it as myself this time. I know people throw about “never kill yourself” as a meme almost (I’m also guilty of this) but I mean it this time. Getting married, transitioning, getting my cat, going to the original AKB theatre, finally seeing NIN and seeing MCR come back – I would never have got to experience any of this. Is my life perfect? Of course not (I don’t think many peoples is) but I’m really fucking glad I’m living it.
Completely irrelevant side note – This week I discovered the AKB-side 晴れ渡る [Harewateru] and its so good! I just completely passed me by when まさかのConfession [Masaka no Confession] came out a few months ago (I think because it was the B side from Type B and I bought Type C)
I have a gallery now! It’s pretty bare bones atm but it’s there! I’ll continue working on it and adding more artwork over time.
In other news MCR finally announced that they’re bringing the Long Live the Black Parade tour to the UK - two dates in Wembley next year with tickets going on sale this Friday. I will be trying for tickets (I know they’ll be extortionate) From what I’ve seen of the tour so far they’re having a main stage/ B stage set up similar to NIN so I’d ideally like be somewhere between the two, or more likely, be in the nosebleeds or crying at home. I guess we’ll see.
Finally, today is フラゲ日 [Furage day- getting the single before its official release day] for AKBs 66th Single Oh! My Pumpkin and it doesn’t seem to be going to well lol. There is still no music video so all the promo displays have nothing to put on the little TVs
On top of this official store seem to have messed up loads of peoples orders. Some people have received 60 CDs when they only ordered 3, others have ordered 10 and only got 2 and some have received none at all. I got an email from Amazon JP saying that there’s a delay in my order being shipped so I think they may have pulled stock from other retailers to try and sort out the supply issue they’ve created for themselves.
The staff have released a statement apologising for the error and have said to wait for a further announcement. I’m wondering why this single cycle has been so poorly managed, especially with it being the 20th anniversary. I’m sure the members are worried too, since people aren’t sure if this shipping issue is going to affect sales numbers.
Its AKB48’s 20th anniversary year and they are doing 6 dates at Budokan in December to commemorate this. Obviously, this is a big deal and I knew that former members would be coming back for these dates (as they do that for almost every big AKB event now) but I didn’t expect the livestream today to get me so hyped. The current and former Soukantoku met up in a Johnathan’s (sponsored ofc but idc) and just called and messaged former members asking if they would show up at the Budokan dates for the anniversary. That’s it. Takamina, Yuihan, Mion and Naru sat there calling people on loudspeaker whilst eating mid-tier pizza and it was the most fun I’ve had watching AKB stuff in a while.
I joined the stream when they were talking to Sayaka Akimoto, looking in the comments they’d already spoken to 9 other former members already! It was really lovely to see them call Saechan immediately afterwards. When they called Berin they wished her happy エイトの日[Eito no Hi – Eight Day] and when she agreed to attend Budokan Takamina gave her the job of gathering the other Team 8 graduates and Berin said “honestly idk where most of them are but I’ll do my best” which I thought was funny. Mariko and Tomochin will be there (I wonder how that will go? Lol) I’m glad Jurina will be there too, she’s been through a lot gets so much hate for the 2019 SSK still and it’s so uncalled for in my opinion. No word on if Mayu will be there yet – I’m assuming no because she’s totally left the public eye but you never know.
My favourite part was, of course, when Takamina got a reply from Yuko saying she’d be there. I’m glad Yuko has been enjoying her post idol life but I really do miss seeing her perform. I bitch about graduates coming back all the time but I’ve enjoyed every single Yuko appearance. It was this that’s lead me to make the following decision: I’m applying for tickets to every Budokan show, I’ve got FC and video warehouse so I may as well use them. Flights and accommodation? I’ll cross that bridge if I get to it. I lost every single lottery in 2019 but who knows, I’ve finally seen NIN and MCR are teasing a UK/EUR tour maybe I’ll get lucky with AKB this time too.
Now that I have an actual journal page, I feel a lot more compelled to write little updates! Site wise I am currently still working on the NIN shrine, I’m alternating between the about and the recs section depending on how I’m feeling. Neither are live yet but I’m making good progress (although I’ll have to get a move on with the about section – I’m taking so long they’ve actually released new music)
In other news I went to my first non AEW wrestling event! Have I mentioned I like wrestling on here? No? Okay well I follow AEW and sometimes ROH and Stardom. I have been to both All In’s at Wembley which were a completely different vibe to the RevPro show in a mid size venue I just got back from. I had a great time though – being so close to the ring and having to jump out of the way because wrestlers with names like Liam had just been thrown directly at me was awesome. It felt exactly like being at a local bands gig. Naito and Bushi were in the main event and I got the worst picture of Naito’s abre los ojos taunt because the ropes made a censor bar right over his eyes
Last time I mentioned that both AKB48 and Nine Inch Nails had released new songs within 48 hours of each other – well they fucking did it again. We got previews for the B sides on AKB’s radio show and NIN also released a b side (but this is a whole thing I will go into in a second)
The AKB-sides are 意思の大木 [Ishi no Taiboku], アイドルだよ、人生は…[Idol da yo, Jinsei wa..] and スマホ、見てる場合じゃない [Smartphone, Miteru Baai Janai]. 意思の大木 [Ishi no Taiboku] is the first undergirls song since 2018 although since there was no election for this one I’m not really sure what makes them undergirls? This song has such a classic 2010 AKB sound and I think it fits Hiyuka and Remi as centres very well. アイドルだよ、人生は…[Idol da yo, Jinsei wa..] is my favourite out of the three. I love idol songs that are high energy and fast so this is perfect for me. This is also where Sorara is getting her chance to shine next to centre Maho. I’m slightly disappointed by スマホ、見てる場合じゃない [Smartphone, Miteru Baai Janai] not because its bad - it’s just not as good as the other two imo. I wanted more from am Itomomo centre. I’m looking forward to all of the music videos.
As I said earlier NIN also released a b-side to As Alive as You Need Me to Be. This was called Building Better Worlds and it was exclusively for purchase on the Alive vinyl at the Tron: Ares booth at San Diego Comic Con. On the label it has the C++ code (don’t come for me idk programming sorry)
HALO = "HALO 35";NULL_ID = "NULL 21";
validateMetadata(string halo, string nullRef) {
// simulated ???(NIN?) HALO 35 cannot be paired with NULL 21
if (halo == "HALO 35" && nullRef == "NULL 21") {
???? << "[FATAL ERROR] // METADATA CONFLICT DETECTED" << endl;
???? << " > HALO 35 is not compatible with NULL 21" << endl;
???? << " > Possible corruption in track registry of vised pairing" << endl;
???? << " > ACTION: HALT BOOT, NOTIFY SYSTEM ADMIN." <<
}
}
So it looks cool and it has a nice little nod to how it’s a bit weird that it’s a halo and a null. Its also limited to 2500 copies so naturally everyone went a little bit insane and they’re now on ebay for over £200+. Yesterday someone that didn’t put theirs on ebay finally posted audio of Building Better Worlds and it’s a short Wendy Carlos sounding instrumental which is very nice and also very fitting for a Tron soundtrack.
NIN (likely knowing their fanbase was close to meltdown over not being able to have all the halos, all lined up) posted not to worry re the rarity of halo 35 because they had something for us.
That something was a standard black 7” version. As something of a pleb myself I appreciate the addition of halo 35 (pleb version) and will be getting one and not selling my kidney for a fancy limited edition. The pleb version also has a different b side listed as “Empathetic Response.” So I guess we’ll see what that sounds like in August.
So now there’s an actual journal section now because this little scrollbox was getting very full and I like to yap (yes I will continue to add new things instead of fixing current things/working on my to do list. Shut up) Lots of things have happened in Cem world recently: this site went live! I have released my ugly baby into the world and people have been perceiving it (please only perceive on desktop for the love of god please) Some people even like it?? Crazy, thank you. In better, more important, news NIN and AKB released new songs within 48 hours of each other (I’m fine) As Alive As You Need Me to Be - the first new NIN song since 2020 and Oh My Pumpkin! – the first new AKB song since April. I will be talking about Halo 36/Null 22 (ooh its both) AKB 66th for a bit. Okay? Okay.
I’m glad Zukkii, Itomomo and Sae made senbatsu but I was a bit disappointed Sorara was dropped, I understand space had to be made for the sister group members and the graduates. I complained about some graduates being brought back for the 66th single in a previous post and I still think AKB should stop doing that but I will admit it’s very nostalgic to see those faces back in the artist photos. I think everyone looks beautiful but the overlayed skylines make it the photo look sort of busy? I think the idea of showing the capital cities of all the participating sister group members is cool but it could have been implemented better. Anyway, when I first heard the song I thought it was fine and I’ll wait for the performance on 音楽の日 [Ongaku no Hi] since I liked まさかのConfession [Masaka no Confession] much more after hearing it live.
Oh My Pumpkin! is exactly the same situation. This song is much better live, it doesn’t sound anywhere near as empty. They’re singing about being in love and bike rides in the middle of summer – hitting all the AKB tropes. It sounds like something that could have come from a Team Surprise stage maybe? (editing note – its reminding me of ときめきアンティーク [Tokimeki Antique] that’s why I thought of that) I will definitely be listening to the song more but I did expect slightly more bombast for the 20th Anniversary single (unless they’re going to surprise us on the theatre anniversary with this ヘビロテ2 [HebiRote2 - Heavy Rotation 2] they keep promising) Either way I’m looking forward to the music video and hearing the B sides. I can’t help but wonder which members are going to take the graduates and the sister group members places in future performances since they’re not going to be sticking around for the entire promotion cycle, I’d imagine.
As Alive As You Need Me to Be
NIN are the furthest thing from idols but for consistency within this post I guess I’ll discuss their new artist photo too. They have eyes! They’re in colour! I’ve gotten so used to that black and white one it’s a bit jarring to see. They look beautiful as well, albeit in a different way from the AKB girls. Trent continues to make me question what 60 years old even means and Atticus has given me another “this is the unhappiest anyone has ever been. Ever.” reaction image to use when I have to do laundry or go to work. As Alive As You Need Me to Be (shortening this to “Alive” because I’m not typing all that out) is the first single from the 12th NIN album which will double as the Tron: Ares soundtrack, making it the first NIN release to have both a halo and a null number. Unlike Oh My Pumpkin! I don’t need to wait until they play this live, this hits immediately (but I am SEATED for any future live videos of it from the Peel It Back tour – which I attended btw. have I mentioned that?) Infection, tongues on necks and the filling of holes are all mentioned in the first verse. The beat is reminding me of God Given. We are so back (we never left) Alive loops dangerously easy.
I’m very much looking forward to the other singles/rest of the album, nin.com says the album features the singles Alive and Who Wants to Live Forever so I guess that’s next. Will I watch Tron: Ares? Eh probably not. That’s just people (one of whom is Jared Leto unfortunately) talking over my 90-minute NIN music video so I’m not really interested. Although Daft Punk did cameo in the Tron Film they scored so maybe we’ll see more 10/10 acting from Trent (just like the Deep video fr) and 10/10 “Christ, I wish I was not here” faces from Atticus.
I saw Nine Inch Nails live on 17/06/2025. It took me a while to calm down enough to be able to talk about it in a vaguely coherent way. Here is my effort over in the NIN shrine.
I've actually done a whole lot but I keep forgetting to update this part lol. Shrines page is up and I've made a good start on the NIN shrine. I made little discs for each album that spin and a Trent collage with popups so its looking good imo (Alot more info needs to go on there and bits are still buggy but I'll get round to fixing it)
In terms of general stuff today is the release of the 25th anniversay edition of MCR's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge! I have the CD and the zoetrope vinyl on the way (I'm hoping these remasters actually sound different on my speakers bc they sound exactly the same as the original in my earphones) AKB announced the senbatsu for the 66th single with Yuiyui as centre and including members from overseas 48G for the first time (cool!) they have also brought back OG members AGAIN (STOP DOING THIS PLEASE) Takamina, Sasshi, Kojiharu and Acchan are returning for this so I hope its at least decent (まさかのConfession was fine it just hasn't really stuck with me). I go to NIN in 11 days and I'm being very calm and haven't panicked once
So in terms of web stuff I’ve added a shrines page, I’ve put both AKB and NIN on there and I’ve decided I’m probably going to make the NIN one first because its a lot less involved – a lot fewer members/no diagrams needed etc.
In terms of general stuff today is Trent Reznors 60th birthday which means it’s exactly a month until I finally get to see NIN live after 18 years!!! I am so fucking excited and my husband (likes NIN normally) and everyone else around me is being extremely tolerant and nice because I cannot calm down.
Also today it was announced that Hisui will be leaving Phantom Siita effective immediately, due to health reasons. Usually “health reasons” means struggling mentally so I hope she has all the support she needs and is able to rest and recover out of the limelight. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the girls do on the tour as a 4 member group.
my homepage is slowly coming together! I am having so much fun doing this its insane. Its actually overtaken drawing as my primary source of enjoyment for now (I think I've drawn non stop for about 4 years now?) I can't wait to make shrines bc its just another excuse for me to yap about my interests. I'm either gonna start with NIN or AKB but I'm struggling to choose which one. All I know is I'm definitely making my gallery last because I hate captioning my artwork that much.
aka the goth that draws in retina destroying pink bc I think juxtaposition is funny
I missed the old internet and needed somewhere to like things in an abnormal way other than my ancient tumblr acc, so here I am.
(sorry in advance for the state of my code if you dare to look)
